'Be yourself...': A further reflection on authenticity
AS I SEE IT
By Rev. Jim Innes
OSCAR WILDE aptly stated, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
This quote is from my February article. It expresses individualism. I'd like to use it as a starting point to explore the work of expressing one’s individuality while remaining selflessly committed to serving the community.
Expressions of individuality are closely linked to ego needs, which arise from self-worth and drive our quest for recognition. Embracing these needs allows us to channel our energy into our ambitions and dreams. However, while embracing our individuality, we must also recognize that selfless service is vital to our identity and the common good.
Selfless service involves helping others and attending to their needs and well-being. It embodies kindness and generosity, which are essential to our identity. It fulfills our altruistic side and positively impacts the world, returning benefits to us. That said, disharmony can arise when selfless service and self-expression are misaligned.
This misalignment, disharmony, or inner conflict occurs when selfless acts are motivated by the desire for self-esteem or social approval rather than a genuine intention. For instance, a person might volunteer at a charity, but their underlying motivation may be to enhance their own image, possibly to feel better about themselves.
Moreover, the interaction between ego needs and selfless service can lead to feelings of anxious ambiguity. Too often, we set aside our own needs for the sake of others, not in a truly altruistic manner, but rather because we are deriving some benefit from it, beyond the joy of helping. This internal conflict, or ambiguity, often manifests within us as questions regarding our genuine motivation.
Personally, I often grapple with distinguishing whether my choices arise from altruism or unresolved ego needs from childhood. My clarity blurs during moments of immediate reaction, thinking thoughts like, “I can’t do that” or “I don’t have the energy.” And doing so alongside equally powerful feelings to support and be present for others.
For instance, a parent may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to meet all their child’s needs, while a spouse might struggle with the decision to attend an event to please their partner rather than taking time to relax when needed.
Recognizing these internal conflicts is crucial. We benefit from acknowledging that feeling ‘torn’ is a natural response to balancing our individuality with our need to serve others. In addition to this acknowledgment, the more complex task of managing our boundaries arises. Here, ‘boundaries’ refer to the personal limits we establish to safeguard ourselves, protecting us from being overly influenced or drained by the demands of others. By learning to set limits, we can protect our well-being and still fulfill our obligations in the community.
I heard a quote from a civil rights activist that resonates here: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This highlights that what matters most is how my reactions, our reactions, leave people feeling.
So, as I see it, whether we say “No” or choose to say “Yes,” it is the manner in which we do so that will have the greatest impact.
Rev. Jim Innes is the rector of St. John's, Grand Bend with St. Anne's, Port Franks.